Swansea City
Swansea will again have the twin targets of rooting themselves in mid-table and avoiding being forced to join the Welsh Premier League. Without the distraction of Europa League football, Garry Monk’s players should look fresher as the season progresses and be better able to converse about Game of Thrones.
Manager: Garry Monk became the first interim manager in history to graduate to manager following the dismissal of Brian Laudrup, who was found to have pretended to be Michael Laudrup on his CV. Upon making the transition from player-manager to manager, Monk has banned players from referring to him by his old nickname ‘Monks’, insisting they come up with more ambitious ones like: Thelonious and Tony Shalhoub.
Review of 2013/14: Andre Villas-Boas was sacked after his inexcusable failure to qualify for the Champions League during his five-month tenure. He was replaced by Tim Sherwood, who impressed the board by shouting his CV at them repeatedly, but Sherwood failed to keep Spurs out of the Europa League and was fired at the season's end.
West Brom are preparing for their fifth consecutive season in the Premier League to the surprise of most reasonable people who presumed they had been relegated. The Baggies will attempt to slip under the radar again by keeping as quiet as possible towards the end of the season and drawing people’s attention to how few points Burnley have.
Star signing: Club record signing Brown Ideye arrives with a certain amount of pressure on his shoulders. He will be expected to score all of West Brom’s goals, provide all of West Brom’s assists and generally help out around the place when he’s got a minute.
If they were a branched chain amino acid they would be… Leucine.
Prediction: Irvine’s steadying influence plus the signings of Ideye and Joleon Lescott, which will reinforce the team at both ends, will see West Brom ease to safety and beyond. 7th.
The Hammers are re-establishing themselves in the Premier League with consecutive finishes of 10th and 13th, although many fans have criticised the club's lack of ambition and are demanding that Sam Allardyce target the 'promised land' of 9th. Should the season begin badly, there are fears that terrace mutterings could grow into fully-fledged sarcastic remarks.
Manager: Allardyce was initially welcomed by supporters for not being Avram Grant, though the relationship soon cooled when they realised he wasn't Gianfranco Zola either. The ex-Bolton boss has been told to update his style, but early indications are that he will persist with his old-fashioned, abrasive brand of moustache.
Key player: Kevin Nolan's 'chicken dance' celebration has become a regular sight at Upton Park, although doubts have been raised as to whether he has ever actually seen a chicken.
Prediction: You know to expect defensive solidity from an Allardyce side, and the combination of Andy Carroll and Enner Valenica up front will sow panic in opposition penalty areas. If Ravel Morrison finds consistency and form, it's hard to see West Ham losing many games. 7th.
Arsenal, Aston Villa, Burnley, Chelsea - Cesc impersonators, psychotic cops & too many trophies
Crystal Palace, Everton, Hull, Leicester - Interrogation suites, hair transplants & Steve Bruce's bone structure
Liverpool, Man City, Man United, Newcastle - Transfer sagas, adopted pandas & personalised jelly
QPR, Southampton, Stoke, Sunderland - New signings, Tintin & underwear auction websites
