Ohmigod: Let Your Suck Shine, Lucas...

WOULD you like a bittersweet overview of the Socceroos, powerplays, awards nights and incompetent administrators? Well that's handy...here's JayFC's ohmigod review of the week. NB - is not sweet, just bitter.

The Ange era of the Socceroos kicked off to a good start last night, recording a 1-0 victory over a lethargic Costa Rican side. While the result may had not been surprising, it was refreshing to see the Socceroos playing with a bit of valour, a shadow of the soulless drones that we had become accustomed to under Holger’s reign. But an incident in the closing stages seems to be stealing the limelight from the victory, with questions regarding the moral conduct of supporters being raised.

During the clash, Lucas Neill vented off at a small section of supporters who were booing the defender’s every touch, with ground microphones catching him spraying back with “who the f… are you booing?”. Now the Sydney public has a renowned history for their liberal use of booing. They boo Prime Ministers, opposing team’s national anthems, even their own marquee players, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that our national team captain copped some boos from the ever-cultured crowd. And nothing is more cultured than a Sydney crowd, as underlined by the admirable restraint they showed last night, waiting until the 27th minute mark before starting the Mexican waves.

However, I feel no sympathy for Neill on this one. Sorry Lucas, but you brought this upon yourself. You are our national scapegoat and you broke character by putting in a competent display. We had no other option but to boo. I’ve spoken about this before but we need a scapegoat. Someone who can supply a regular stream of incompetence, so that when we fail, we can labour our unmet expectations upon him. That’s Lucas Neill’s role. He’s our scapegoat. And us fans were so angered at him abandoning his scapegoat duties, by selfishly putting in a passable performance, that we felt compelled to boo him. Lucas, you cannot escape your scapegoat destiny. You have been groomed for this role for several years and now is your time to shine. Let your suck shine, Lucas! We need you to step up, to mess up. This whole ‘playing well’ thing better be a fad, as we need a scapegoat more than ever. Because going to Brazil 2014 without a scapegoat would make as much sense as going to the World Cup without a goalkeeper.

AFL’s powerplay on the A-League GF
Bad news for all Heart fans out there, as its been revealed that the AFL has blocked the FFA from hosting the A-League grand final at Etihad Stadium, despite booking the venue six months in advance. How dare you, FFA! How dare you let the A-League become AFL’s bitch! Who the hell do you think you are, AFL? Your sport is a parody of a sport, played with as much logic as running into traffic blindfolded. You cannot treat the A-League as plebs just because our jerseys have sleeves and our players aren’t fuelled by horse steroids. This is the A-League grand final, the most prestigious event our code can offer. We shouldn’t have to be calling up Green Gully Reserve or Moorabbin Oval to see if its available. We deserve only the finest. But why cant we get the finest? Because on Sunday, May 4, Etihad Stadium is booked to see North Melbourne v Gold Coast Suns. For real? Who the hell wants to watch the Gold Coast Suns play? They have as much appeal as staring into the actual sun. This is a pitiful cheapshot from the AFL, and it must have repercussions. So I call for all readers to stick it to the AFL by boycotting all GWS Giants matches. It shouldn’t be too difficult to pull off, as it appears the whole of Australia has been practising this boycott for a number of years now, with their crowd size often smaller than their point spread.

Angelina Jolie > WSW
The Wanderers have been treated like second class citizens by a third-rate actor, as Angelina Jolie has kicked the Wanderers out of their training base, as she needs it to shoot a World War 2 film. What a fricken diva! Firstly, I’m not sure if it should be seen as the greatest compliment that the city of Blacktown was chosen as the best place to replicate a war-torn environment. Nonetheless, let's just take comfort with the fact that their ground is being used for a WW2 flick, and not for an attempt to revive the Vinnie Jones’ Mean Machine franchise. But are the Wanderers really pandering to Big Hollywood for this guaranteed straight to DVD nonsense? There are only a few films that warrant the removal of the Wanderers from their training premises: The Goonies 2, The Goonies 3, A Scorsese-directed Revenge of the Nerds feature, and of course, the sequel to Johnny Knoxville’s smash hit Bad Grandpa, in cinemas now! Anything less than a film of that stature is a slap in the face to the entire footballing fraternity.

Awards Night
Like every other human being in the world, you are no doubt too busy being engulfed with the Rugby League World Cup to even realise that the Australian Football Awards were held last week. Congratulations are in order to Mile Jedinak for winning the FFA’s Player of the Year award, while striker Robbie Kruse won the PFA’s Player of the Year, a completely different, yet equally irrelevant award. Other gongs handed out on the night included The Ian Ferguson Award for Blooding Youth, which went to Holger Osieck, for his work with the Australian Over 35s national team. The Robbie Kruse Award for Failing to Hit Puberty went to Adam Peacock for the fifth consecutive year. And the Foster-Postecoglou Award for On-Screen Composure After A Disheartening Result was awarded to Robbie Slater, thanks to his pen slinging “that is crap” theatrics following the France game catastrophe. Mile Jedinak also picked up another accolade, with his shaggy haircut and suspect demeanour winning him the Most Likely to be Mistaken for the Boston Bomber Award.

Heart not for sale
Well, you’ve got to wonder who is more incompetent at Melbourne Heart at the moment. The Melbourne Heart players or the Melbourne Heart boardroom? Despite having no noted target demographic, holding little relevance to the Melbourne sporting scene, with whatever appeal they have evaporating by the second, the Heart boardroom have rejected a $9million bid for the franchise because they are idiots. Unreserved idiots. Listen, you are playing like garbage, in front of crowds as big as your average gangbang, with no clear identity as to what you represent. There aren’t a few thousand more fans out there who are going to find this so intoxicating that they want to be a part of it week-in week-out, for years to come. So if somebody is willing to cough up this amount of money for your faltering franchise, you take it. You take it and run. Seriously, what is Melbourne Heart’s marketing pitch? ‘Do you like football but want it to be really unsuccessful, with nice colour schemes, played in a hollow stadium?’ Do you really think this is a marketing pitch that’s worth more than $9million?

Perth v Adelaide – It was hot
Sentiment towards the FFA is becoming increasingly hostile in Perth parts, after Glory’s pleas to have their afternoon fixture moved to the evening, in a bid to escape the 33 degree heat, were met with deaf ears. Deaf, sweaty ears. Alistar Edwards was spitting chips as Perth fans were deprived the chance of witnessing entertaining football and instead had to settle for witnessing players struggling with heat exhaustion. No amount of Rexona could prepare the players for what they were to endure that dreadful day. The struggle with the heat was epitomised in William Gallas’ post match interview. Despite only racking up 28 minutes on the pitch, Gallas was panting as though he had just broke the 10 second barrier in the 100 metre sprint. He’s actually still puffing away. And if you listen closely to the interview, you can hear most of his major organs failing. But us eastern state viewers can only thank the FFA for not buckling down to common-sense. Moving the game four hours forward was not an option, as most of us on the east had already planned a big night of Ice Road Truckers, Ancient Aliens and boogieing down to the Party Mix on MusicMax. The players' wellbeing does not come above our desire to boogie down to musicmax.

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