Back of the Net’s alternative Euro 2016 Group A preview (ft. loved-up France)

The teams

The France squad has been dogged with dark mutterings about cliques, racism, and sexual blackmail, making this one of the most amicable France squads of all time. Romania will attempt to summon the spirit of that unforgettable 1994 side, featuring Gheorghe Hagi and 10 other men.

Albania has produced some fine players in recent years, including Granit Xhaka, Xherdan Shaqiri and Shani Tarashaj, all of whom are unfortunately playing for Switzerland this summer. After repeatedly stinking out major tournaments, the Swiss are ironically despised by the neutrals.

The players

For France, Kingsley Coman, Paul Pogba and Anthony Martial will compete for the chance to make Olivier Giroud look bad. If you ever wondered what Lee Cattermole would be like if he were handsome and Albanian, keep an eye on the Eagles' captain, former Sunderland defender Lorik Cana.

Switzerland captain Stephan Lichtsteiner is nicknamed Forrest Gump, because he owns a successful shrimping business, while Romania’s most exciting player is undoubtedly 1994’s Gheorghe Hagi.

The managers

Didier Deschamps famously led France to victory on home turf in 1998, despite having to carry all the team’s water and Stephane Guivarc’h. Swiss boss Vladimir Petkovic is nicknamed The Doctor because he can speak nine languages and travel through time.

Often called Albania’s favourite Italian, Gianni De Biasi is actually Albania’s fourth-favourite Italian, behind Antonio Carluccio, Claudia Cardinale and Inspector Montalbano.

Anghel Iordanescu is hoping to become Romania's most successful coach since Anghel Iordanescu between 1993-1998, and in turn wipe away memories of the disastrous Anghel Iordanescu reign from 2002-04.

Back of the Net expert tip

If you don’t have a dedicated stain remover, you can pre-treat mild-to-moderate stains with ordinary washing-up liquid.

Group A • Group B • Group C • Group D • Group E • Group F

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