Premier League referees admit to being biased against your team
Mike Riley, head of the Professional Game Match Officials Board, has publicly confirmed that referees from every level of English football, and their European counterparts, despise your club and take every opportunity to wrong them.
In a terse statement to the press, Riley admitted what you have suspected for years, that he and his colleagues are engaged in a longstanding conspiracy to rob your team of points because seeing supporters of your team happy made referees furious.
Every single referee in the country is in on it, because we all despise your team with a passion unmatched in any other part of our lives
Riley said: “All those times you threw your slippers at the television because the referee was biased against you, you were completely right. He wasn’t choosing to interpret the laws of the game in a manner consistent with his observations, he was deliberately doing you over because he hates you and he hates your club.
“Every single referee in the country is in on it, because we all despise your team with a passion unmatched in any other part of our lives. We hope your team loses every week and we hope it makes you cry.”
“We get together regularly to plot how we’re going to cheat you, and to decide which of your players to send off for absolutely no reason,” said referee Martin Atkinson, who will represent the FA at this summer’s European Championship even though everyone knows he is biased against the team you support.
“Then afterwards we drink champagne together and have a massive laugh at your expense.”
“I only became a referee so I could give penalties against your team,” said fellow referee Mark Clattenburg. “I don’t even like football, or know most of the rules. But I expect you’d guessed that already, hadn’t you.”
The disclosure of the conspiracy is unlikely to change anything in the short term, however, as documents also reveal that most referees are also extremely short-sighted and overweight. Experts believe this may be linked to 100% of them being born out of wedlock.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you already knew that, right?