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The things footballers get up to in their spare time...
Anyone fancy a Cristiano Ronaldo-branded cookie? What do you mean, "No"?
It's well known that footballers have a lot of time on their hands once training has finished. And, as the following players proved, what better way to spend it than lending your name to a bizarre product or two?
18. Blackburn Rovers
Under the ownership of Venky’s, Blackburn sacked a successful manager in Sam Allardyce, replaced him with the out-of-his depth Steve Kean, and took the club from the middle of the Premier League to the third tier. Yet for many, this advert remains the worst thing Rovers’ poultry-processing proprietors have done in the northwest of England.
Accompanied by some dramatic music, the players gather for a huddle in the dressing room, presumably psyching themselves up for a big game ahead. But suddenly the music softens and the focused faces turn to smiling ones, with the camera panning out to reveal plates of chicken awaiting the Blackburn stars. David Dunn can hardly hide his delight.
17. Morten Gamst Pedersen and John Arne Riise
These are desperate times for the future of fruit in Norway. Beginning with former Portsmouth and Birmingham man Erik Huseklepp minding his own business at a pick n' mix stand, things take a turn for the worst when scruffy-suited duo Riise and Pedersen turn up.
Some auto-tuned singing, bizarre lines and horrifying moves later and we're left utterly bemused.
16. Serie A stars
Footballers often parp on about giving something back to the fans, but Serie A icons Francesco Toldo, Pippo Inzaghi, Vincenzo Montella and Pavel Nedved held true to those notions for promotion of Sky Italia's football coverage in the 2003/04 campaign.
Take a look for yourselves, but if you don't feel all warm and fuzzy after watching it... well, you're just heartless. Just take a look at Nedved's luscious locks, for goodness’ sake.
15. Alan Shearer
What would a young kid do to get their hero’s autograph? Hang around the training ground? Stand in line at a signing session? Ambush him out of the stadium?
Our protagonist tries all of these things to get his hands on Alan Shearer's scrawl, before finally plumping for a shift in McDonald's. Honestly, the things we'll do for our favourites.
14. Michael Owen
You work for the Dubai tourist board and want to promote your city to prospective travellers around the world. You decide a helicopter ride would be the best way to showcase everything it has to offer, and set about finding someone to front the campaign.
In an ideal world, you’d use an individual who knows the city intimately and is well-known for his or her association with it. Failing that, what’s Michael Owen doing these days?
The former England striker stars in this bizarre commercial, delivering his lines in a robot-like monotone which really doesn’t inspire in the way the producers presumably intended. Perhaps he’s just scared of heights.
13. Emmanuel Adebayor
My oh my, what do we have here? Adebayor's days of striking fear into defenders may have long gone, but the Togolese still has the ability to frighten the rest of us with this grotesque advert for drink manufacturer Power Horse, forever immortalised on the internet.
From the dramatic music with completely inappropriate dance to the seedy pout and head-cocked punchline, we'd be amazed if this one didn't send a chill down your spine. It’s genuinely frightening.
12. Nicolas Anelka
Who wouldn't mouth off to a giant poster of Anelka while holding the striker's repulsive endorsed burger? We've all done it. "It was always football, football, football, when I was a kid, but I’m glad that I’ve had a burger named after me," Le Sulk told FFT in 2008.
But we've seen the pictures – and trust us, you wouldn't want to go anywhere near the thing. We're not convinced Nic thinks it's as "champion" as he says...
11. Kevin Keegan
Oh look, it's Keegan and former British, Commonwealth and European heavyweight champion Henry Cooper (he knocked down Muhammad Ali once, y'know) working out together in an advert for Brut 33 deodorant. Kev does football things with a ball, while Coops punches it – although Keegan doesn’t point out that catching it would relieve pressure on the boxer’s defence.
He does, however, have the audacity to steal his pal’s punchline, and don't they have a hearty laugh about it? It's certainly not creepily homo-erotic in any way, that's for sure.
10. Man United
If drinking tomato juice yourself wasn't gut wrenching enough, then listening to Manchester United stars lap up the stuff surely comes close.
But who says Michael Carrick hasn't got a personality? Just look at the former England midfielder as he necks this grim creation with Robin van Persie, Ryan Giggs and Shinji Kagawa, all trying their hardest not to immediately return the contents of their stomach. Count us out.
9. Fernando Torres
Footballers are self-centred big-timers who forget about their old pals, we hear you cry. Not Torres, though, who sacrificed his dignity for a friend's dog training school in Spain.
The former Liverpool and Chelsea forward makes a pug sit, guides a Doberman through fire (we’re not sure why) and has a kickabout with an Alsatian in a Steven Gerrard shirt. 'Nacho' must be a good mate, indeed.
8. Lionel Messi
In fear of falling too far behind Cristiano Ronaldo in the commercial stakes, Messi took himself to Japan to feature in a pair of face wash adverts for the inappropriately named Scalp-D. The Argentinian superstar lays it on thick (the cleansing cream, that is), before the camera cuts to splashing water and Messi appears with a squeaky clean face.
If this is all you have to do to earn millions, we'd like to know where to sign. Anybody got any ideas?
7. Kevin Keegan (again)
Yes, it's King Kev again – but what's he helping to sell this time? Football boots? Energy drinks? Motivational speech CDs? Er, not quite.
In 1996 the England manager-to-be had a hand in this giggle-worthy commercial for Sugar Puffs, in which Toon super sub Honey Monster bags the winner, induces one of the worst lines we've ever heard from Jonathan Pearce – “He’s in the money… it’s the Honey” – and then just walks off - before the final whistle and everything.
It's no wonder sales of the teeth-rotting cereal nosedived in Sunderland – and Wearside locals still haven't forgotten. "A bloke sat next to me had a bowl full this morning, I wanted to rip the spoon out of his hand," grumbled one Mackem. "It's been 17 years."
6. Carlos Tevez
Oh look, it’s Argentina striker Tevez dancing for Cartoon Network in 2006. Donning a baggy red hoodie and a pair of jeans which are at least two sizes too big, the future Manchester United and Manchester City frontman throws a few shapes while steadfastly refusing to vacate the spot on which he’s standing.
Fair play to Carlitos, though, who smiles more in this 30-second commercial than we’ve ever seen on the football pitch in over a decade since.
5. Man United (again)
It's hard to get past Wayne Rooney's wooden acting in this 2011 ad for Casillero del Diablo wine, but we'll give it a go anyway.
While Ryan Giggs’ keen attitude and Patrice Evra’s delivery are admirable, the whole thing really falls down on the small fact its concept is completely, utterly and outrageously ridiculous. We’ve watched it at least 10 times and still don’t have a clue why there’s a fireball screeching through London and eventually landing on the Old Trafford pitch. Explanations on a postcard, please.
4. Pat Jennings
Times were tougher in the olden days. Long before those of agents and PR-savvy hotshots, footballers took what they could get from the ad men even if humiliation was the order of the day (it often was).
But surely not Jennings, a Northern Ireland legend and winner of five major trophies? Sigh. Still, it's not as if the internet is good for anything other than watching the former Tottenham and Arsenal glovesman dressed up as an oil filter saving shots, anyway.
3. Peter Schmeichel
Even the most respected top-flight stars can let their guard slip, but how Schmeichel ever faced his Manchester United colleagues again after this is anyone's guess. The legendary shot-stopper denied to FFT that David Beckham and Ryan Giggs filled his locker with Danepak bacon ("we didn't even have lockers at Old Trafford," he insisted) – but Big Pete surely didn’t get away from this one scot-free.
Whether it's the butcher's outfit-keeper gloves combo or his monotone ramblings in front of Danish football's answer to the Village People, Fergie's lot wouldn't have even known where to start. Perhaps that’s what saved Schmeichel – either that or his 6ft 3in, 100kg frame.
2. Gareth Southgate
Poor Southgate. Not only did he have to live with his decisive penalty miss against Germany at the European Championship on home soil in 1996, the former England defender gave himself something even more annoying to be remembered by with this advert for Pizza Hut – which also features Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce – later in the year.
It's since achieved cult status, but that hasn't made it any easier for the current Three Lions boss. "I wish I hadn't done it," he later moaned to FFT. Still, he did, and at least we can all laugh about it.
1. Luis Suarez
This is a genuinely excellent advert featuring Barcelona man Suarez. The controversial striker proves he can poke fun at his more... ahem, questionable traits with this barrel of laughs from Uruguayan firm Abitab.
As serious-looking workers get down to business in an office, the ex-Liverpool man – dressed in the same attire as his company colleagues – can’t contain his penchant for mischief. Suarez rages at a dodgy printer, pushes a co-worker’s keyboard to the floor and dramatically dives when he’s tapped on the back, before crowning it all by stealing the glory and blowing out the candles on an associate’s birthday cake. Nicely done.
