Revealed! If every Premier League club was a Game of Thrones character

Hold the door: are we really doing this? Yes. This is why each team in the Premier League has an uncanny Game of Thrones parallel 

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You don’t come here for this, right? FourFourTwo is a bastion of informed and entertaining football opinion – not a place for such flimflam. Yet we can ignore it no longer: it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the vast Game of Thrones story arcs are stolen directly from the Premier League. And we don’t just mean the alarming number of bastards.

Each club is a character, aiming to be crowned kings of the land. Although we have to say we couldn’t find matches for some of the more horrific, mass-murderers like Ramsay Bolton, The Mountain or Cersei Lannister. No, not our brave Prem boys. Even if King Joffrey is pretty clearly Manchest…. Sorry, where were we? Right, let’s get started. Apologies for what you’re about to read.

Arsenal: Sansa Stark

Stylish, elegant, visually appealing, with an illustrious heritage – and often within touching distance of power. Yet recent years have been painful and many loyal supporters wish there was just a bit more backbone on display. Key debate: should they really keep listening to the honeyed words of long-term advisor Lord Arsene Littlewenger?

Bournemouth: Samwell Tarley

When they first came on the scene, they were no one’s idea of an elite-level operator. ‘This cherry-cheeked chump won’t last long,’ we thought. Yet while they aren’t the most fashionable or physically dazzling, they’re cleverer and cannier than they appear. A low-key success story of brains triumphing over brawn.

Brighton: Robb Stark

There’s a widespread warmth toward these good-hearted young wolves (or gulls) who’ve risen to power the right way and boast a devoted group of followers. And yet… Let’s be honest: the worry is that they could be a bit out of their depth here. We fear this may all end in bloody disappointment far earlier than they'd like it to.

Burnley: Bronn

No fancy titles to boast about – and certainly not born with a silver spoon in mouth. The first time you saw Bronnley, you probably assumed they were expendable cannon fodder (or you just thought, ‘Isn’t that the other one out of Robson & Jerome?’). Yet to the surprise of many, these gruff, gritty battlers haven’t been killed off and may yet survive longer than we all think.

Chelsea: The Night King

Relentless, formidable, feared and loathed by the other major players. If you’re not a follower of this piercing blue terror, you probably want to see them crash and burn. The problem is that while there’s always hope of a sudden, shattering triumph for the opposition – they often seem to rise again, as powerful as they ever were before.