With the election campaign in full swing, many voters are less than impressed with the choices on offer. Chas Newkey-Burden imagines an election contested by leading gaffers...
Strengths: Say what you like about the controversial Chelsea gaffer, but he's solid as a rock in defence. So ISIS could sod off for a start. With his Portuguese wit and willingness to hurl insults around, he'd be great value at Prime Minister’s Questions.
Weaknesses: Jose is a monumental spender, so his first budget alone would probably put us in the Greek zone. And with his shady contacts in Moscow, he'd be unlikely to risk reform of non-doms.
Campaign slogan: Because Britain deserves The Special One.
Strengths: Rodgers’ ability to shake things up and blood young talent suggests he'd hit the ground running as PM, in the manner of Tony Blair’s breathless first 100 days. His “death by football” philosophy could change our foreign policy for the better.
Weaknesses: Pompous and prone to overestimating his ability, the David Brent of football would probably run a good campaign with colour-coded files and corporate slogans but then fall flat on his face the moment he took office. For instance, the first thing a PM has to do is go to the Palace, and Rodgers has shown he’s not very good at that.
Campaign slogan: I can make that dream come true too, AKA, for you.
Strengths: Wenger, who has a degree in economics, has shown he can run a tight ship and keep things ticking over during prolonged austerity. He speaks six languages – French, German, Japanese, Spanish, Italian and English – so he’d go down a storm at the United Nations.
Weaknesses: Critics say he is out of touch with modern politics and that he will never live up to his best years, which were during the Blair era. A stubborn operator, he would make Maggie Thatcher seem a beacon of consultation and consensus politics.
Campaign slogan: A little bit of hope.
Strengths: The Chilean’s stoical manner would reassure a shaky nation. He has a degree in civil engineering, so would be big on transport policy. With close contacts in the Middle East, he could enhance our relations with that turbulent region. His loyalty to players suggests he’d favour a stable front bench.
Weaknesses: Widely suspected to be a one-campaign wonder. With questions marks over his recruitment policy at the Etihad, the mind boggles over what the collective age of his cabinet would be. No one wants old men with their fingers near the nuclear button.
Campaign slogan: Vote for this charming man.
Strengths: With his knee injury sorted, Harry is fresh and ready for a tilt at No.10. After all, if you can’t manage the national team, why not manage the nation itself? In this political era of spin, technology and focus groups, Hazza is an old-school delight.
Weaknesses: His insistence in 2008 that he is “absolutely one million per cent innocent” suggests he could be a liability with the economy, particularly when he takes one look at the nation's coffers and declares: “We’re down to the bare bones here.” And can we risk Marco Boogers at the Ministry of Defence?
Campaign slogan: Look, not even Jose could do a better job with these resources.
Strengths: A prudent manager, Pardew has shown a flair for getting a lot from a tight budget. He’s hinted recently that he’d like a bigger job, and they don’t come much bigger than PM. Having worked as a glazier, he has experience of the real world, which is more than you can say of career politicians. The fact he’s not scared to headbutt opponents would turn parliamentary debates into must-watch affairs.
Weaknesses: A public relations nightmare, he has been described by the BBC as a “dangerous and distant animal”. Diplomacy on the world stage could be a problem, too. When accused by Arsene Wenger of xenophobia, he replied: “A manager who is married to a Swede cannot be called racist.” OK.
Campaign slogan: Flying the flag for Britain.
Strengths: If old-school politics is what gets you moist, then put a cross next to Allardyce’s name. The John Prescott of football, he’s as outspoken as they come. If the Labour Party’s extinct Clause Four were a football manager, it would be Big Sam.
Weaknesses: If you’re modern enough to have heard of hi-fis, let alone iPhones, then this prehistoric colossus is not the man for you.
Campaign slogan: Vote Big Sam for a big Britain.
Louis van Gaal
Strengths: A strong track record, having won silverware in three countries. Brimming with confidence, he once described himself thusly: "Confident, arrogant, dominant, honest, hard-working and innovative." Well, if he could instill similar confidence in the general public then we could probably reconstruct the much-missed British empire.
Weaknesses: One man’s confidence is another man’s arrogance. He has been compared to Adolf Hitler by Giovanni, and described as a “brutal dictator” by Zlatan Ibrahimovic. You have been warned. He’d probably fall out with the Welsh.
Campaign slogan: Congratulations on voting for the best candidate in the world.
Strengths: As one who fares better in Europe than at home, this month’s FourFourTwo cover star is the opposite of Nigel Farage. If he made a late bid for election here he’d have solid hipster appeal, so the east London vote tied up for starters.
Weaknesses: He loves a joke, does Klopp, but the thought of him roaring with laughter as he slashes public services is a tad chilling. At least Cameron and Osborne have the manners to look sombre as they turn the screw on the vulnerable. He's shown himself to be a fairweather leader who will wash his hands of a project when it looks like going tits up. Plus – a German leading the UK? Too soon, people.
Campaign slogan: Don't mention the war!